he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
