she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
