I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
