Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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