I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
