I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize