When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
