Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
