Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
did i just pee glitter
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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