He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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