Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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