I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
