i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
