I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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