Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
