I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
