He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
