I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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