In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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