nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
