Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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