You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
