At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
