Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i've created a new STD.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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