Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We had to coat check the pizza.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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