Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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