On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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