mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We're too hungover to prance.