Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
