She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
