Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
