Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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