If that was your dad, he is hot
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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