i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
