Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
