Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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