So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
