Betty ford says i'm here all night
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
