ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
