I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize