and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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