mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
