there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
