I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
