We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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