i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
