Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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