I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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