i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
