I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
