happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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