Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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