im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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