you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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