i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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