so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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