the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I need to stop coming to work sober
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
