I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
