My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
