It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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