Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
